Ramblings of a Social Outcast

Friday, November 02, 2007

My first memories...

of adoption.
I've always know I was adopted, it's not as if it is something my parents could hide even if they wanted to. I had a lot of mixed feelings about adoption as a young child. My first though was what was wrong with me that made my mommy not want be. There must be something terribly wrong with a child for her mother to not want them.

I decided that I would be the best child at school so maybe mommy would love me again and I could meet her. I didn't want to leave my aparents, but I still wanted my first mother so badly.

I still feel the urge to be the best I can, so that maybe, when I meet her, she'll be proud of me.

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Thursday, November 01, 2007

Manda = Bad Blogger

So, senior year year has be pretty crazy so far, and I've be very busy with school work and teching for the musical, The Wizard of Oz. The sets are the most complex ones I've done in all my years of high school. It's been crazy. Opening night is next Saturday, and I don't the tech crew or the actors are ready. I hope we manage to pull this off.

My search for my mother is not going well. I don't wish to write a "happy" letter as the agency instructed me to. My life hasn't been all sunshine and roses. It's been hard and sad many times, with some uplifting moments. I want my mother to know the truth of my life. She deserves that much.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Maximum Ride 3...

is amazing. I'd already read the other books in the series and this did not disappoint. The story line was unpredictable, just when you thought you knew what was going to happen, everything changed. Max was still her awesome, sarcastic, butt-kicking self. She lead the group in the same great way she always had. The action scenes were great and the suspense was riveting.

The only bad thing I have to say is that sometimes, James Patterson tries to hard to sound like a teenage girl and it just sounds ridiculous.

I do have to say, I would recommend this book as great light reading material.


Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Hi. So , at the end of the school year I decide to stop relaxing my hair my hair, and am working on transitioning. The thing is I have know one to help my out at all. I was trans-racially adopted by white parents and they've tried their best when I was little, but still didn't really know what they were doing. My mom did braid my hair really nicely for a while, though. That was until I decided I wanted to be like all the other little (white) girls in my hick town. I wanted the "ideal" (white) hair. I haven't had natural hair since I was 5 or 6. However, I finally realized that the reason I was straighting my hair was my on internalized racism against natural black hair. It's my Sr. year of High School and I want to have my real hair for college. I want to show everyone in this town that Nappy hair is just as good as any other hair. I will not be ashamed of the gift that I was born with. I will not pander to the white male supremacist ideal standard of beauty.

Any how, the thing is I can't even take care of my hair now. It mostly just stays in a ponytail. I don't even know how to braid.
This was my first post to Black Hair Media. I thought I'd give a bit more insight in the crazy that is my life.


Monday, July 23, 2007

College essay.

I need to write my essay for USM, however I have no idea what to write about. One of my friends suggested I write about being Black.

Really, though, how does one write a paper on the Black experience? One can't. There is no one black experience, only common threads.

I can write about my Black experience however. What could I say. How would I put my life on paper? I'm more than just Black, as you can see by my description. I'm a conglomerate of minorities. Tinged by the the madness of Bi-Polar Disorder. I'm a crafter, and a writer. I am so much, yet so insignificant.

Putting life on paper, breathing life into words. Fleshing out the one dimensional. That is what I must do.

Will I succeed? I shall attempt to do so.

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I'm afraid...

That's a phrase that is though for me to write. My whole life, I'm worked to be strong, to be to the good daughter, the good friend. I'm a people pleaser, I find solace in taking taking care of others. I rarely cry, I don't get angry to other peoples faces very often. I put on a facade of constant happiness.

Yet, I am afraid.

Today, I found out I have PCOS. There is a much higher rate of cancer for women with PCOS. I don't want to die young. I want to raise my future children and watch them grow strong and wise. I want the read all the classics and swim with the dolphins. I want to write a novel and see my nieces and nephews.

I don't want to die young.

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Friday, July 13, 2007

My story.. (part one)

I was born on summer day. It was a c- section birth. Beyond that, I know nothing.

My mother didn't know what to do. Could she keep me? She already had one child and wanted to go to nursing school. What was she to?

She left me at the hospital for three weeks. I never opened my eyes. The doctors thought something was very wrong with me, but they did not know what. Perhaps metal retard they wrote on their charts? Never did they think, perhaps, I missed my mother.

I was there for those three weeks because she was conflicted. Threes is such a short time to make a choice that will affect the rest of your life.

She signed the papers. They hunted down my father. He wouldn't sign until he was sure he wouldn't have to pay child support. He had another women pregnant the same time my mother was pregnant with me. I do not know if it is a sister or brother.

I went to foster care with the hospital directors family. I was there until I was 2 months 4 days old. They overfed me and I was very fat baby. My name was Cassandra...

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Monday, June 25, 2007

Your Vocabulary Score: A+

Congratulations on your multifarious vocabulary!
You must be quite an erudite person.
How's Your Vocabulary?