My first memories...
of adoption.
I've always know I was adopted, it's not as if it is something my parents could hide even if they wanted to. I had a lot of mixed feelings about adoption as a young child. My first though was what was wrong with me that made my mommy not want be. There must be something terribly wrong with a child for her mother to not want them.
I decided that I would be the best child at school so maybe mommy would love me again and I could meet her. I didn't want to leave my aparents, but I still wanted my first mother so badly.
I still feel the urge to be the best I can, so that maybe, when I meet her, she'll be proud of me.
Labels: Adoption, Maybe I'm a bit fabulous?
Hi. So , at the end of the school year I decide to stop relaxing my hair my hair, and am working on transitioning. The thing is I have know one to help my out at all. I was trans-racially adopted by white parents and they've tried their best when I was little, but still didn't really know what they were doing. My mom did braid my hair really nicely for a while, though. That was until I decided I wanted to be like all the other little (white) girls in my hick town. I wanted the "ideal" (white) hair. I haven't had natural hair since I was 5 or 6. However, I finally realized that the reason I was straighting my hair was my on internalized racism against natural black hair. It's my Sr. year of High School and I want to have my real hair for college. I want to show everyone in this town that Nappy hair is just as good as any other hair. I will not be ashamed of the gift that I was born with. I will not pander to the white male supremacist ideal standard of beauty.
Any how, the thing is I can't even take care of my hair now. It mostly just stays in a ponytail. I don't even know how to braid.
This was my first post to Black Hair Media. I thought I'd give a bit more insight in the crazy that is my life.
Labels: Maybe I'm a bit fabulous?
College essay.
I need to write my essay for USM, however I have no idea what to write about. One of my friends suggested I write about being Black.
Really, though, how does one write a paper on the Black experience? One can't. There is no one black experience, only common threads.
I can write about my Black experience however. What could I say. How would I put my life on paper? I'm more than just Black, as you can see by my description. I'm a conglomerate of minorities. Tinged by the the madness of Bi-Polar Disorder. I'm a crafter, and a writer. I am so much, yet so insignificant.
Putting life on paper, breathing life into words. Fleshing out the one dimensional. That is what I must do.
Will I succeed? I shall attempt to do so.
Labels: Maybe I'm a bit fabulous?, Misc.
I'm afraid...
That's a phrase that is though for me to write. My whole life, I'm worked to be strong, to be to the good daughter, the good friend. I'm a people pleaser, I find solace in taking taking care of others. I rarely cry, I don't get angry to other peoples faces very often. I put on a facade of constant happiness.
Yet, I am afraid.
Today, I found out I have PCOS. There is a much higher rate of cancer for women with PCOS. I don't want to die young. I want to raise my future children and watch them grow strong and wise. I want the read all the classics and swim with the dolphins. I want to write a novel and see my nieces and nephews.
I don't want to die young.
Labels: Maybe I'm a bit fabulous?, Misc.
My story.. (part one)
I was born on summer day. It was a c- section birth. Beyond that, I know nothing.
My mother didn't know what to do. Could she keep me? She already had one child and wanted to go to nursing school. What was she to?
She left me at the hospital for three weeks. I never opened my eyes. The doctors thought something was very wrong with me, but they did not know what. Perhaps metal retard they wrote on their charts? Never did they think, perhaps, I missed my mother.
I was there for those three weeks because she was conflicted. Threes is such a short time to make a choice that will affect the rest of your life.
She signed the papers. They hunted down my father. He wouldn't sign until he was sure he wouldn't have to pay child support. He had another women pregnant the same time my mother was pregnant with me. I do not know if it is a sister or brother.
I went to foster care with the hospital directors family. I was there until I was 2 months 4 days old. They overfed me and I was very fat baby. My name was Cassandra...
Labels: Adoption, Maybe I'm a bit fabulous?, My story
Prom!
The planning of the prom was actually big trouble this year I'm a jr. and the the jr. class plans the prom. Normally the Prom is held in the gym and we have grand march before it. Grand march is kind of hard to explain. We you walk out with you date onto the "set" are introduced and people take pictures of you.
Well, we didn't want to have our prom in the gym. We wanted something classier than that, so we rented the River Drivers [url]http://www.neoc.com/food-dining/river-drivers.asp[/url]. It's kind of like a country club and has there floors with a dance for on the top one.
People were pissed. Because it was cheaper to decorate the River Drivers and the Auditorium, we wanted to have the Grand March in the Auditorium. The Auditorium doesn't seat as many people as the gym so everyone wouldn't be able to go gawk at the Grand March as they normally did. We gave each student who bought a prom ticket, four tickets to the Grand March. People still weren't happy.
My class didn't give in and we had the Grand March at the Auditorium, Four of my Friends got King and Queen and Prince and Princess. The "Royal court" was taken to the Rivers Drivers in a Limo and everyone else drove their cars.
We arrived at the River Drivers and ate for about an hour. It was awesome food. We had chocolate and vanilla mousse, fresh fruit kabobs, pizza, and an open bar (Non alcoholic) among other things.
At 8:00 the DJ showed up and we danced. WE did the Cotton Eyed Jo, the Electric and Cha Cha slides. Some kids from dance class did thriller. We also danced to regular music and some other fun stuff. I got the DJ to play Love Shack. I love that song. After dancing the night away, while continuing to go downstairs to eat and cool off, the prom was over. We had also done prize drawings throughout the dance and people won some very nice things. Although the seniors had complained that we were ruining their prom when they heard the plan, everybody had a good time.
Then we went home and had an hour to get back to River Drivers for the Chem-Free. We got to use the hot tub and played some late night volleyball. I went in the hot tub twice the second time it was just me and my date... We sung Danny Boy. We're such music geeks.
I ate a ton of food and then went up stairs where people were watching Step Up/ Sleeping. I felt kind of left out as it was mostly couples cuddled under blankets. Josh, (my date) was downstairs playing video games. How ever it wouldn't have mattered, as I don't like him like that. The Boy/Man I like is all graduated and works out of town about an hour away. He still lives down the street from me though. But, he has to go away for the summer to cook for Congress(!). Saddeness.
Anyway I fell asleep around four and the woke up around six because my friend Scott is an asshole who talks more than I do. Everyone except a few people aka me and other people went white water rafting at 9:00.
I went home and got some sleep.
Labels: Maybe I'm a bit fabulous?, Misc.
There is a lady all in white...
Holds me and sings a lullaby
She's nice to see, and she's soft to touch
She says: 'Cosette I love you very much.'
-Les Miserables
Have I mentioned that my mother may be dead? When I was younger, I worked very hard at finding my first mother. Sadly the agency said she has disappeared.
I think on her often. Is she alive? If so, is she happy? Does she miss me or hate my memory? Was she forced to relinquish me? If she wasn't, what was the situation that caused her to place me?
For these questions, I have no answers.
Labels: _, Adoption, Maybe I'm a bit fabulous?
My life is boring, so let's talk about...
My medical issues.
Anyhow. On the 14th of December I wake up in the most horrid pain I've ever felt in my life. I stagger out of bed and make it as far as my parents bedroom, before collapsing on their empty bed. I curled up into the fetal position, trying to escape from the stabbing pain traveling throughout my abdomen.
So my dad, after realizing I'm not faking it, takes me over to the hospital, which incidentally is next door. Cool, Huh?
So after a humiliating pelvic exam, having some doctor stick his finger up my butt and a vaginal ultrasound I find out the Best News Ever.
I have ovarian cysts that like to rupture. Yummy.
In reality it explains a lot. I started my period when I was 9 and have always in middle of my cycle had horrible pain. So it turns out all these years, my ovaries have been home to exploding cysts.
Apparently this means I can't have Bio kids, but I knew that anyway. I've already got one bum ovary. It isn't really that big of a deal for me though as I always knew I'd adopt anyway.
Labels: Maybe I'm a bit fabulous?
I'm a baaad muffin...
I really need to post on this thing more. Let's see what have I been up to?
Well, a ton of my older friends are in college now. It kind of sucks, but It's not too bad as I still have a ton of friends here. They keep me pretty entertained.
Matt's in Connecticut, but still comes up every weekend, silly boy that he is. I miss him though, as I haven't got to see him that much. I'd like to kiss him again. Not more than that, I'm only sixteen after all. The one time we kissed was wonderful. Not everyone gets to say that about their first kiss. I have so many friends that regret that they wasted their first kiss, so I'm glad I didn't.
Labels: Maybe I'm a bit fabulous?
Run and tell that...
So, finally, I decided to make a post about race. This should prove interesting.
First off, how does race affect my family dynamics: it doesn't. That was a bit abrupt so let me explain. Both my parents are white, A and little J and white. Big J is biracial and I'm black. As far as I can tell none of this has affected our family dynamics. Although when we were younger A used to tell me that Mom and dad didn't love me because I'm black. Being the brat I am, I'd fire back that she was an accident.
My parents have protected big J and me from their racist relatives so I've never met any of those asshats. Not to say that all my relatives are racist because they certainly aren't they accepted Big J and I the same as A and Little J.
Now, on a larger scale as far as my town goes, I'm one of maybe 6 black people in this town. Let me tell you, black history month is fun. Back in elementary school, the kids thought I was the repository of information about blacks and what we've done, invented and other such things. It's a lot of pressure to be the represent for your race when you're just a kid.
I've only been harassed a dozen times though, so things aren’t that bad around here. The earliest memory I have of this is from pre-school. One of my friends said her mom told her not to hang out with me because I was dirty. The little girl thought it was silly. If I remember right she said, "You're not dirty, you just have a good tan." We went back to playing.
Later on in elementary school black history month came up and some kid decided that because I was black, I was her slave. I think this was in kindergarten or 1st. These were the same years I was spit on when I was riding the bus. That was a different girl, but once again I was called dirty.
Nothing really happened in middle school. Thus far in high school, I've only had one incident and he was a stoner anyway so I didn't really care. He told me to go back to Africa and I told him I was from Arkansas. That response worked very well.
Labels: Adoption, Maybe I'm a bit fabulous?
I hate to post quizzes,
but this one was interesting
| You Are 32% Sociopath |
From time to time, you may be a bit troubled and a bit too charming for your own good.
It's likely that you're not a sociopath... just quite smart and a bit out of the mainstream! |
Labels: Maybe I'm a bit fabulous?
Who are you...
I am: A Wiccan, bi, black, librael, human female.
I have: Lots of books
I wish: I was "normal"
I hate: not knowing things. And hate.
I fear: Being left alone forever.
I search: For knowlegde
I wonder: Why?
I regret: A lot.
I love: My family, my friends, my pets, books, muscic, moives, chorus, NYC.
I cry: Sometimes
I write: Way too much.
I win: At trivia
I lose: At sports
I confuse: Everyone.
I should: Be nicer.
..Do you..
Keep a diary: No. Just this blog.
Believe in love: Yes.
Want to get married: Yes.
Get along with your parents: Sometimes
Like thunderstorms: Yes.
Daydream alot:Yes
..Favourites..
Number: 3
Colour: Rainbow
Flower: I don't know.
Day: Friday
Month: August
Season: Summer
Drink: Juice
..In the past 24 hrs..
Have you cried: Yes
Have you helped someone: No
Have you had a serious talk: Yes
Have you missed someone: No
Have you fought with your parents: No
Have you fought with your friends: No
Have you *****ed about someone: No.
..Name 5 bands you listen to..
~ The Dresden Dolls
~ Dispatch
~They Might be Giants
~Straylight Run
~ Stephen Lynch
..Would you ever..
Eat a bug: If I was starving.
Kill someone: No, not unless I had to to protect my self or my loved ones.
Parachute from a plane: No
Walk on hot coal: No
Go out with someone for their looks: No
Be a vegetarian: Yes
Get drunk off your ***: No, it would kill me.
Star in a porn video: No
Dye your hair blue: Yes
Wear makeup in public: Yes
Not wear makeup in public: Yes
Cheat on a test: No.
Make someone cry: Yes
Date someone more than 10 yrs older than you: No.
Stay up all night: Yes
What's your full name: Amanda Kathryn
Have you ever been beaten up: Yes
How many texts do you send a month: 8
Would you hold someones hand in public: Yes
Do you have any piercings: Ears
What do you sleep in: Nothing
What is one of your bad qualities: I talk too much
When was the last time you cried in school: Yesterday
What are you listening to right now: Dispatch - The General
What is your occupation: Student
What was the last thing you ate: Poptart
If you were a crayon what colour would you be: Blue
Hugs or kisses: Hugs
Cherry or blueberry: Blueberry
Labels: Maybe I'm a bit fabulous?
What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happening...
My seniors are graduating today. Wow. It seems like two years have really flown by.
I came up with an odd thought about when I go to college. When I'm there, I'm no longer going to be the black girl with white parents. I'm no longer going to be the transracial adoptee of the town. Until I open my moth, people are just going to assume I'm just a regular black kid. That's odd when I think about it. I've become so used to getting odd looks when I introduce new people to my parents. I can see the unasked questions in their eyes.
Labels: Maybe I'm a bit fabulous?
Life.
I love my Mom and Dad. It really hurts when certain people tell that they stole me from my culture. People who feel they have the right to tell me that A, little J and big J (who happens to be biracial and adopted) aren’t my siblings. These people are of the opinion that I’d be better off in the system than with a “white” family. What they don’t seem to understand is that my parents are my family. Also I am supposed to have some “Primal Wound” from being separated from my birth mother, but I don’t. I feel compete, unless my Bipolar disorder kicks in. I’m happy.
This has been the best year of my life. We’ve found meds that work and I’ve only had 5 big meltdowns all year and only two were in school. I don’t want to die any more and I’m finally getting out of the house and hanging out with friends. I’ve been kissed. I’ve discovered that I’m pretty sure I’m mildly Bi. My parents have accepted that I’ve Wiccan and are willing to go to bat with the school to protect my rights. My score is 100 points away from perfect on the SATs. Matt might like me back and I adore him.
The only down for this year is the fact that the seniors are graduating. We’re losing so many talented Performing Arts kids. The Pas are my life if I couldn’t be on stage either teching or singing, I don’t know what I’d do. The PA kids are the nicest funniest most artsy kiddies in school. They accept me, BPD and all. These people really like me for who I am and it feels good. If I pull out knitting or embroidery during chorus or in the Band room it doesn’t faze them at all. They know me.
Labels: Maybe I'm a bit fabulous?
Janey's got a . . . cell?
So, I have a cell phone now and I feel kind of dirty. I've never been very fond of the things, as people tend to be so very rude while using them. I believe I've joined the dark side.
Anyway . . . about the phone. It's a Nokia 2126 from tracfone and seems to work fine.
It's not very good looking, so I think I'll craft up a cheap faceplate and stick it on. I’m going to check Craftster for ideas.
Speaking of Craftster, oh, how I love it. Its fun, there’s cool people and you can learn how to make kick ass stuff. All and all a good time in my book.
According to Bonnie, I'm very "artsy" whatever that means. All I really do that's crafty is make jewelry knit, sew and embroider. I'm trying to learn other things too, though. I think I might take up spinning so I can make my own yarn and then knit with it. I like being called artsy though, it sounds good. Plus it makes me feel all tingly inside.
Till next time, kids.
P.s.
I doubt I have any readers, but I'm going to try to start updating twice a week or more. Wish me luck!
Labels: Maybe I'm a bit fabulous?
Prom... and I'm only a Sophomore!
I had an awesome time at the prom last Saturday. I'm so friggin' sad to see my seniors leaving. I'm happy for them though, the can get out of this hell hole of a town. This place is dieing and there's no stopping it.
Labels: Maybe I'm a bit fabulous?
Frosted flakes...
NYC more than good, it's great! I had so much fun. One stupid kid, lets call her CM, complained the whole time. The only bad thing was that we counldn't go swimming. You had to be 18 and have photo ID. It was just very odd. All in all I had good time. I'll post pictures soon.
Labels: Maybe I'm a bit fabulous?
NYC! NYC!
Nyc tomorrow! I so excited. I am very tried right now, though. I'm trying to get my english done. Need... More... Sleep...
Labels: Maybe I'm a bit fabulous?
Holocaust Cantata
I did the HC today. There were kids form 4 other schools there so it was a bit akward. I meet some kids I really like, though, and re-meet old friends. I almost cried during some of the stories that where read. I don't understand people at all. We like to think genocide is over, but it's not. Just look at africa or the middle east.
Oh, yeah, my school also had to learn a song, Come to the Music, today in two pratices. Our chorus teacher Mr. MM forgot to tell us about it. Sometimes... *shakes head*
Labels: Maybe I'm a bit fabulous?
Getting to know you...
I'm a 15 year old, female, bi-curious, black, trans-racial adoptee living in Maine. I have bi-polar disorder among a few other things. I’m on a lot of meds. I adore animals of all kinds, even skunks. I have few close friends that I adore and I'm in chorus in my high school. I'm re-learning the trumpet. I'm on tech crew for school plays. I'm headed to NYC on Thursday for a band-chorus trip. Most of my friends are in band or chorus so this is of the good. I'm an aspiring writer. I Role-play online, in a HP one and in an X-men Evo one. Oh, and a fantasy one. I want to adopt from Russia. I adore
The Naked Ovary
.
Labels: Maybe I'm a bit fabulous?
